Has it really been four months since I have written on here? I apologize for the extended period of silence, but there has been so much that has happened. If I can be honest, some of it, I want to share but have been too busy when I work up the courage to write about it.. and some parts, some of the more difficult moments, I don’t even know how to share. There are moments in the stillness of the middle of the night, where I am still grieved by the month of May and all the loss we experienced here.
I guess it’s in these darkest moments, in this desert season, on days when it seems hard to wrap my head around what I’m doing here, the last thing I’m likely to do is sit down in front of the computer and formulate those feelings into sentences by pounding them out on my keyboard. But today is my time.
May was a busy month. I enjoy busy. I like to work. I like the feeling of laying my head on my pillow at night feeling satisfied that I have done all I can do and that I have accomplished things during the day. In May, we worked hard, we rescued many babies, and even had a long rescue the weekend of the 14th where we spent both Saturday and Sunday in the mountains on rescues. However, some of those babies never made it back to Hope of Life. 10 days later, we would end up losing 5 babies total from rescues or in the hospital setting. And that is where my hurt set in.
Being a nurse for several years, I have grown accustomed to loss. It never becomes easy, especially when your hands played a part in caring for that patient. Your hands spoon fed them pureed food slowly so they would not choke. Your hands pushed tiny droplets of liquid into their mouth via syringe or mouth swab because they were too weak to suck on a straw. Your hands held their hands and sang them songs in their weakest moments, when each breath becomes heavy and more labored. Your hands are what intervened with the final attempt to keep them here when that wasn’t what The Lord had planned. Yes, I’ve seen a lot of loss in my career, but somehow May seemed heavier. 5 is a lot of loss to process at one time.
Although that lives are gone and all that remains is hurt and sweet memories of them, I have realized that I can no longer remain encumbered by the “what-ifs” of this life. I am thankful for the amazing staff and team we have at St. Luke’s Hospital here at Hope of Life– from the doctors, to the nurses, to the nannies, nutritionists, therapists, social workers, administrators, kitchen staff, housekeeping, pharmacist, laboratory staff, ambulance drivers, and every one in between. I am thankful knowing that I serve beside a wonderful team who works tirelessly to save lives here in Guatemala. What we do certainly isn’t easy, but for every story of loss, we have five more stories of redemption and healing. I am thankful to serve with other families who “get” it. Who are also here serving on the frontline of adversity, in the dirt and sickness and heat, and who help hold me up in these difficult times… The Nash family + Lauren, The Monk family, The Holt family, The Rule family, the other long term volunteers- Kathy, Faith and Marissa. Especially thanks to Bryan who has extended more grace and patience than I should be allowed, and loved me through times when I was unlovable at best. Thank you to all of our generous donors back home! Because you faithfully give and pray for us, we can continue doing what we do… even when the rubber meets the road, I know that I am exactly where I belong in this season. God has given me more than I deserve and I couldn’t do what I do without my “village” (which includes you, if you’re still reading this) 😉
And THAT was just May. I am by no means a good writer, so I will try to update you with more scattered thoughts and semi-processed emotions when the time comes. June+ July + August include a bout of dengue fever, a scorpion sting, house flooding, a visit back to the states to rest and recharge, and coming back to Hope of Life more passionate and excited for what I do than ever before. I am thankful for healing (physical, emotional and spiritual) and excited to see where our journey takes us from here.
Thanks for sticking around. You are loved.
-Whit.
Picture time!
Whitney, you have so much courage and strength….you are an amazing example of God’s love in action!